I have answers

And it's about time I figured out the French, as I'm leaving their country this evening for the missile-strewn land of the holy.


Excrement according to Fred:
Americans, subject to a Protestant national heritage, like to pretend that bodily functions and needs do not exist. The Catholic French, on the other hand, acknowledge that humans are physical creatures. If a French man is walking outside and has to pee, he pees. It's not a big deal. An American man in the same situation, plagued by the Puritanical values of his ancestors, runs inside to relieve himself behind closed doors where no one will know about his shameful bodily need. (French) Catholics are so unabashed about doing their business that their kings used to receive the court sitting on a throne with a hole in it so that they could pee and poo as necessary, right in front of everybody. (I want to know what they were wearing for this--pants with a hole? royal robe? just a lap blanket??)
As far as French toilet rooms, they do not have a sink because the French are dirty people who do not wash their hands after using the toilet. Even when they do have sinks in their bathrooms, they don't use them. Older people in France bathe no more often than once every three days, but daily showers have caught on with people of Fred's generation (or so he says).


Fred on fruit and veggie peels:
Why do French people insist on peeling their potatoes, apples, and pears, I asked Fred. Why do Americans only eat their fries with ketchup, he countered. I protested that I ate my fries with other things, too, but apparently that makes me more open-minded than the average Joe, who will eat his fries with ketchup until the day he dies and dismiss other condiments. Similarly, the French will maintain their fruit and vegetable peeling habit. I tried to argue that all the vitamins were in the peel, but Fred assured me that the smoking, drinking French do not care about vitamins. Furthermore, he said, potato skins can have a slightly bitter taste, and potatoes are supposed to have a neutral flavor to accompany other things.

"Blood of Christ"--red, or white?
Over Christmas dinner my heathen family got into an argument over what color the communion wine was at church. The five Americans at the table said it was red, but the sole Frenchman insisted that it was white. Of course, none of us had gone to church in recent memory, much less on Christmas, so we couldn't really be sure. Lucky for us, former-altar-boy-Fred had the answer: white. The priests have very fine, expensive, white vestments; given their advanced age and their tendency to dribble, white wine is the most practical. However, red is also permitted: one priest that Fred worked with demanded a good Bordeaux.

A few last, weird tidbits about French people:

• They have this thing called a "cadeau de rupture," or "break-up gift," that a guy can give a girl that he doesn't want to date anymore. Sometimes, when he gives it, he has already verbally broken up with her, but sometimes, the gift is accompanied by a break-up note. Women cannot give break-up gifts to men, and a man does not give one to a woman if the woman has dumped him. French folks...weigh in on this...is it for real??
• They own forests, especially if they are descended from nobility.
• If an elderly person is hard up for cash, but does not want to sell his/her house, he/she can arrange a deal with a buyer whereby the buyer gives a down-payment and a monthly stipend to the elderly person. When the elderly person dies, the debt is considered payed, no matter how long the person took to croak, and the buyer can move in. So the buyer is essentially waiting for the old person to die, and hoping that it doesn't take too long. Morbid?